Forgiveness and the Courtroom of the Heart

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” James 1:19-20

When compared with Christ’s example of godly anger, I’m afraid my own anger doesn’t “make the cut.” My anger is usually self-righteous and self-serving. Recently I was faced with some criticism that really stung. I felt like it was unjust and inaccurate, so I thought I was justified in getting “a little hot under the collar.” My first reaction was to try to explain my original actions, and when I realized that my accuser wasn’t interested in listening, I condemned my accuser to “death by silence.” I set myself up as investigator, prosecutor, witnesses, judge, jury, jailer, and hangman. I had all the bases covered, and I felt pretty good about meting out “justice” for my wrongful accusation. Then I started my studies for the week. I had to read four articles on anger, and I thought, “Well, this should be an easy week. I don’t have a problem there!” How deceitful and self-righteous my heart is! It was easy for me to see anger in the heart of my accuser, but I self-righteously held myself to a different standard. I could be “miffed” because I was the one that was wrongfully accused! I used a more subtle form of anger – silence – to coerce some sort of remorse from my accuser. That was easier to justify than harsh words and open hostility.

I fought a long battle with this scenario. I knew that I should have a Christ-like, gracious response to the situation, but honestly, I would rather justify my sinful anger by cloaking it and giving it a nicer name. When I finally asked myself the question, “What do I love instead of God?” the answer was clear. I was loving and serving my reputation, my pride, my self-righteousness, and other’s opinions before God. I was not seeking God’s glory. I was not seeking the good of His people. I was seeking ME, MY RIGHTS, MY REPUTATION! I am grateful that God patiently exposes my heart through the mirror of His Word. Not only does He reveal my sinful heart, but He gives HOPE: repentance, forgiveness, and the power to change by His grace!

“Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” Proverbs 10:12

“And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8

Sin, Lies, and Starving

“Sin must be refused and starved, not played with and fed.” –Sinclair Ferguson

Sin is like a cancer that grows and takes over everything in the body. If given a place in the body, it is not satisfied to remain there in isolation, but according to its’ very nature must expand, grow, and invade every other part. It is not passive, but aggressive. In the face of passivity, it overpowers, crushes, and devastates. It quietly feeds off the seemingly “innocent” pleasures and the next thing you know it has taken over and consumed the soul. As a believer, I have to be vigilant. Satan, the father of lies, is vigilant: he is active, pursuing, and aggressive.

I have been learning the need to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,” to weigh my thoughts against the true Word of God. When held up to the light of Scripture some of the most seemingly innocent thoughts of doubt and anxiety are shown to be what they are: sinful, blasphemous lies. These anxious thoughts, if given a place and a little sustenance, will grow like an insatiable cancer, bringing with it a host of other lies. One thought of doubt whether God truly cares about my personal needs will bring into question His sovereignty, His love, and His wisdom. If I believe a “little lie,” I can be convinced of many lies about God’s character. If I entertain a thought that I will never have victory in an area of struggle then I can be convinced that God’s grace is not sufficient to help me and that I can never be “holy enough” to be acceptable in His sight. That’s all it takes: one “little lie.” That’s all it took to destroy the whole of the human race in the Garden of Eden. These lies cannot survive in the environment of the truth of God’s Word. They die a sudden death when exposed to the illuminating, cleansing power of the Truth. It is necessary for me to daily fill my mind with the Word. The health of my soul depends upon it. Passivity will not do. My adversary is vigilant. But my God is vigilant, too; seeking, preserving, and keeping me. To God be the glory!

The Holy Intruder

“God is vastly patient and relentlessly persevering as He intrudes into your life.” –David Powlison

I love this truth. I need it. It is an unspeakable comfort to me that God is not passive, waiting for me to work up enough self-will to shed my sinful habits and become a better person. If it were left to me, I’d never change. In my depraved, sinful heart, I’m comfortable where I am. I like my sin. But there is this holy unrest and discomfort that comes from outside of myself. When I see the immense price of redemption – so costly to the One who paid it, yet righteousness offered as a free gift to me - my sin becomes a very ugly thing.

God has been seeking me all along. When He saved me, I was a self-righteous, arrogant sinner, quite proud of my own morality and virtue. I did not see myself as a miserable sinner in need of a Savior. God came as a holy Intruder, invading my life when I seemed most set in my self-righteousness. I had not sought Him. And yet, He came. He did not need my invitation, because He created and owned me. He became a Father to me – my Advocate, my Righteousness, my God.

God’s grace did not leave me where I was when He saved me. Still He sought me. Over time I grew complacent in this relationship. I allowed other loves to become idols and gave them His rightful place in my heart. In loving mercy and endless patience, He sought me still. God allowed those idols to be taken from me. I saw them for what they were – empty, fleeting, temporary pleasures that will one day be burned up.

It’s as if daily He turns the lights a little brighter – He reveals more and more those sins that dominate my heart, yet at the same time I see more of His mercy – that grace that is effectual, pursuing, endlessly seeking my heart and making me into His image. I am so grateful for this God who is active, pursuing, and intrusive. He knows what I need, and where I lack the self-will and power to change, He has that covered. He not only gives that self-revelation, He also gives a revelation of Himself so that I know what I should be, and He gives the grace to change.

Forgiveness and the glory of God

Recently I was faced with a difficult personal struggle regarding forgiveness. I came to the place where I cried, “I can’t do this! It’s too hard!” Then I realized - that’s the point. This isn’t supposed to be easy. The truth is that I can’t do this. I need God’s grace and help because my sinful heart is incapable of forgiveness. When I came to that realization, I was able to pray and ask God to do what I could not do in my own heart – to give me a heart of love and forgiveness. My mind went to the following Scripture.

“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.” Philippians 2:3-8

I meditated on the character of Christ – how He was silent before His accusers, how He cried out for God to forgive those who were crucifying Him, how He set aside His own rights as Sovereign Lord and took on humanity. The more I looked at Christ, the more my heart was humbled. When I asked myself, “What would God have me do?” in light of what I had been meditating on, I had the answer. God is not glorified when I hold on to the personal pain that feeds resentment. God is not glorified when I tell others how much I have been wronged and hurt. God is not glorified when I wish evil on those who have wronged me. Rather, God is glorified when I am able to die to my pride, my rights, and my hurts and forgive by His grace. God is glorified when I overlook the sins of others and have a gracious, loving spirit. Those actions reflect Him – His mercy and His grace. May the forgiveness and mercy that I have in Christ be reflected in my heart and actions towards others!

"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ‘s sake hath forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32

The Garden

Once upon a time I had a little garden. It wasn’t much, but I was proud of it. I spent my time planting beautiful flowers and shrubs, cultivating the plants and delighting in the landscape that I was creating. So what if it wasn’t the grand gardens that some people had? It was mine, and I loved every inch of it. From time to time, there was a Man who walked by my garden. I stood by my garden proudly, anxious to show off my handiwork and receive praise for the wonderful things that I had done with it. To my dismay, He only shook His head and said nothing. Then one day, something changed. Instead of walking by my garden, He walked right into the middle of it. I was so excited to finally have the chance to show Him my beautiful flowers, the attractive bushes that I had lovingly nurtured, and explain the landscape that I had painstakingly designed. But I could not open my mouth. I stood in silence as He looked over my garden. His eyes did not hold that same twinkling delight that mine did when I looked at it. Instead, there was a tender, loving sadness. In a moment, in a flash, I saw my garden through His eyes. What I had thought were beautiful flowers I now saw to be noxious weeds. The shrubs that I had so carefully nurtured were in reality wild brambles thick with thorns. There were big boulders that jutted out of the landscape at unpleasant angles. Poisonous vines ran wild throughout, choking everything that was good. I had spent my whole life working hard in that garden, and in a moment, it was shown to be what it was. It was the ugliest thing I’d ever seen. Everything that I had thought was beautiful was brown and dead. I hung my head in shame. I knew this Man was a Gardener. I had seen some of His beautiful handiwork. I was so ashamed to have Him see my sad wreck of a garden. I expected Him to turn and leave my garden in disgust, or to give me a harsh scolding for what I had done. It would have been just. I deserved every harsh word and every punishment that might be given. As He turned toward me, I fell to my knees, expecting His wrath. Tears of shame poured from my eyes as I braced myself for what was to come. But instead, He looked at me with such love in His eyes. The Gardener lovingly held out His hand. I couldn’t even lift my head, but still He reached out a scarred hand to me – to ME, of all people! That is a day that I will never forget.

Things were different after that. From that day on, I was no longer the gardener. He was. He came with His tools and gently cut back the brambles. He pulled up the noxious weeds that I had once delighted in. He was so gentle and careful, and I could see the progress as He slowly began to remove the ugly vines that had once choked my garden. Over time I could see a real garden taking shape. What a world of difference from the chaos and disorder that it once was! I rejoiced to see the Gardener tenderly planting attractive flowers where the vines had formerly run wild. It seemed that every weed that He pulled out was replaced with some beautiful plant. What a delight it was to see the garden getting the right amount of sun and rain. He knew just what was needed at the right time! Then one day, He marched right into my garden with this horrible looking pickax. The thing was fearful looking, and I was afraid at what He was going to do. The Gardener went to this rocky place that had been hidden behind some shrubs, and began to strike at the rocky ground. The garden seemed to tremble with each blow of the pickax. It struck deep and broke up some of the big, sharp boulders that remained from my previous garden. I trembled with each painful blow, and when it was over, there was a huge cavernous hollow in the earth where one of the rocks had been. It felt good to have that out of my garden. I had tried to remove the ugly boulder myself, but had been unable to budge it. From time to time, the Gardener came back with that pickax, and though I dreaded each strike of the ax, I realized His wisdom in what He chose to do. After all, He was the Gardener! A season of much growth followed in the garden. Everything seemed to flourish! The right amount of sun caused everything to grow in abundance, and the refreshing rain brought the needed moisture. The Gardener was busy in the garden every day. He added fertilizer here and there, a little extra water on this plant, a little weeding there. Sometimes He took a plant out of the garden for a time, nurturing it for a while in His greenhouse, and then replanting it again when it had time to grow a bit. Sometimes a flower needed more shade, so He moved it in the shadow of a taller plant. He was so wise. So careful and tender with each and every plant!

One day I sensed a change. I had noticed something in my garden. Many of the plants had not bloomed for quite a while. There was still some green here and there, but the season seemed to have changed. The Gardener still came daily, but instead of the usual fertilizing, watering, and harvesting, He seemed to be letting some of the plants die. Then the Gardener came with His pruning shears. He had done this before to trim a little here and shape a plant there, but this time was different. With sharp precision, He cut branches off the trees - a lot of them! With what seemed to be a reckless hand, He razed some of the shrubs almost to the ground, leaving only stubs where beautiful bushes had once stood. Some of the loveliest bushes that had not borne fruit were cut all the way to the ground. Those sharp pruning shears cut off so many branches, that by the time He was finished, the pile of debris that He had removed appeared larger than the garden itself. I was stunned by what He had done. I cried “It’s too much! My garden will never survive!” It seemed that everything that He had worked toward was undone in a day. I had once thought my garden was beautiful, but I had been deceived. Then when the Gardener took over, He had made it truly beautiful. His loving hands had crafted something more lovely than I could have imagined. Now what had He done? Where beauty had been, everything was dry, dead, crushed, broken, and ugly. For the first time, I questioned His wisdom. I wept over what He had done in His garden – my garden! I felt an overwhelming sense of death and loss. What followed was a hard season. It seemed that the Gardener had ceased to care for my little garden. He still came daily, but it wasn’t the same. The season for flowers and fruit was over. He would come and sweep up dead leaves, look over everything, and tenderly touch a dead stub of a plant, but it seemed so meaningless. All I saw in my garden was death. I told Him my grief over what my garden had been, but He just smiled in His loving way and told me to wait. Every day I wept over that garden. I wondered how He could be so cruel and unfeeling. How could He come in and cut everything down that He had worked for? Didn’t He care anymore? It was all so painful and confusing! That was a hard time.

Then one day as I walked with the Gardener, He pointed to a dead plant. I looked, now resigned to seeing death where life had once been. To my surprise, there were green shoots growing from the stub of the plant. I was amazed! I thought that plant was dead! As I looked around, I saw that the trees that had their branches so brutally cut showed signs of healing. The scars were still there, but new branches were beginning to appear. Over the coming days and weeks, the garden seemed to come back to life. Every day I saw new leaves, new shoots, new life! What I had thought was a permanent death was just a season of dying, a season of winter. It had seemed so long, but now…life again! Over the coming weeks and months, the garden flourished. Those plants that had once been beautiful and then so severely cut down were stronger and lovelier than before. The pruning had not been to kill them, but to make them stronger and cause them to bear more fruit. The flowers and fruit in the garden were more plentiful than before. It was beautiful again. I had not been able to see what the Gardener saw. I saw death and the end of a season. He saw what the garden could be. I felt His fearful pruning and questioned His wisdom. He saw what was needed – a painful cutting away of the branches that robbed the life out of the plants. I saw the sharp edge of the spade and the ax, but He saw what needed to be broken and removed. I saw what was painful for a season, but He saw the end result. I could only weep for what had once been, but He rejoiced in what was to be. The Gardener knew what He was doing all along! In His infinite wisdom, the Gardener saw what will be some day – a beautiful garden, crafted by His hand, full of flowers and fruit, and exquisite in design. One day it will be a landscape that reflects the Gardener – no weeds, brambles, or unruly vines, those things that reflect the previous gardener – but someday its beauty will perfectly reflect His wisdom and design. For now, it’s a work in progress. He has weeds to pull, fallow ground to break up, and lots of pruning to do. Sometimes the work and seasons are painful for me. There are things that need to die and be pulled out. But I know He is making something beautiful in His time. To God be the glory!

“For the LORD shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the LORD; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody.” Isaiah 51:3

Idols and functional gods

“Your functional god competes with your professed God.” -David Powlison, Seeing With New Eyes

It is astonishing how many functional gods are vying for the throne which should belong solely to the Living God. When I am overcome by anxiety, I am allowing my functional god of security and control to rule rather than the God that I profess to be sovereign. When I have problems forgiving someone, I am worshipping the god of self and rights rather than the God that I profess to have forgiven my own sin. This is a real problem, because if I’m honest, I see that my heart is more engaged with functional gods than it is with the God Who is to be worshipped alone.

I have served the idol of marriage by prizing it more than the God Who calls me His bride. I have served the idol of reputation by worrying about what people think of me rather than being concerned with my standing in the eyes of God. I have served the idol of earthly wisdom by putting it above the Word of the One who knows all things. I have served the idol of escapism by turning to books, food, and temporal pleasures rather than turning to the God that I profess to be my refuge. With such an infestation of idols, it’s hard to imagine that there’s any room left for God.

I’ve been convicted to repent of these idols. Of course, that doesn’t mean that my heart is idol free and I can go on living a godly life without a care. Where one idol is cast out, another is quick to fill the void! The process of sanctification involves a breaking down of idols daily as they are exposed in our heart. We need to “cast them out” in repentance and put God in His rightful place in our hearts. This isn’t a one-time thing, but an ongoing process!

What idols are YOU holding on to?

A Thousand Lies

As a Christian, worry is the greatest contradiction in my life. I have been bought by the blood of Christ, my past is forgiven, and my future secured because of the work of Christ. I serve a sovereign God who controls all things, works all things for good, and cares about every detail of my life. Then why should I worry…about anything? And yet, I do! I worry about my future. I KNOW that God is good, has a divine plan for my life, and that He knows my desires for marriage and children. If something is His will for me, not even Satan himself can thwart God’s plan. But if I follow that anxiety back to its root, in reality I BELIEVE that man can somehow “mess up” God’s design. There is a contradiction between what I know and what I believe in. I am making God small and putting man in the position of ultimate power and authority. Or, I do not truly believe that God is good and that He cares for me. Either way, these false beliefs are truly unbiblical and idolatrous! Another pitfall in this area is that I am lifting a temporal, earthly relationship to a place in my heart where it does not belong. While marriage is a good and godly objective, it is not the relationship that I was ultimately created for. I was created for a relationship with the one true living God, and that is the only thing that will bring complete, lasting, eternal fulfillment.

It is true that “anxiety tells you a thousand lies”. Anxiety whispers that God cannot be trusted and leads me to believe things about God that are false. It is like viewing my world through a fun-house mirror where everything is skewed and out of proportion. I see and believe in a twisted reality. The only cure for this is for me to view worries through the lens of Scripture. When I see my world biblically, I perceive my circumstances as they really are, in proper proportion to God’s love, sovereignty, and grace. I have a choice. I can listen to the lies of anxiety or I can seek out and believe the true Word of God.